On Good Friday, when my youngest told me that his dad is plannng to remarry in May – not even a year after we were officially divorced – I learnt how essential continuing healing of past relationships can be.
The news shook me to the core. I cried. I felt such raw pain, like the pain I felt when he left 6 years ago.
Everything came up in one big burst. I felt like a deep hole was opening up within me and dragging me under. It was if I had been floating along in the sea, and I suddenly found myself being pulled down down down.
Before I heard this news, I felt I had already dealt with our separation completely. I felt I was finally over this whole divorce thing. I found out, however, that there was left over pain and hurt, and it showed itself now when he fully replaced me with his new woman.
I felt like I was thrown away again. I felt like the 20 years we’d been together was worth nothing. I felt that having borne three kids for him was worth nothing.
It hit me that, in the blink of an eye, I could be so easily exchanged.
It felt like I had lost – like that woman had it all now. She won the race, a race I wasn’t even aware I was participating in.
Of course, my deepest fears of not being good enough came up. I was asking myself questions like, “Why is she better than me? What does she have that I don’t?”
(Oh yes, I am very good in making myself suffer even more ;-) )
I knew that deep down it had to do with security – a security I gave up when I got legally divorced. There is the “widow rent,” meaning when he dies, she is able to live on happily ever after, while I, as a divorcee, am not eligible to receive these payments. I have to support myself, which is not always easy.
Plus the unfairness of the whole situation: the fact that I had given up 20 years of my life, bore 3 kids, and moved a thousand times around the world to support my husband in his career, only to be thrown away and replaced by someone new, someone who is sitting in a ready made nest, enjoying the eggs…
While I was going through this turmoil of feelings, thoughts, and raw physical pain in my body, I was asking myself. ‘Gosh, do you want to be back together with him? ‘ and the answer was a clear NO!
So what was it that was working through me like a maniac, marking me like a jealous lunatic, like a love-blind mooner over my ex-husband?
It was unhealed pain. The hurt that comes up when a new situation arises, like my ex’s upcoming nuptials to the woman he left me for, to the woman who was once a friend of mine, to the woman who has two girls that he treats better than his own kids, to the woman who broke my family apart.
Oh yes, I realised I was still a bit in victim mode. That fact was very much OK, as it helped bring up the anger in me again. Anger is part of grief and healing – so good for me!
I also realized that I am alone. I have no romantic partner. Even though I felt like I was happy being single, this message just brought all of the hurt back.
He is happy (so I imagine), and I am alone. Why does it work for him and not me? What did I do wrong?
When his girlfriend moved in with him, I had a partner who helped me through the ordeal. While I was happily together with another man, the things my ex did didn’t matter so much. My relationship helped softened the blow. I now know the reason this other man entered my life only 5 months after my separation was to soften the coming blow. Our relationship ended soon after he had fulfilled his purpose in my life. It would have been harder back then, and it is still quite hard today.
When I was going through my divorce proceedings last year, I was in sort of a long distance relationship. I clung onto it for the time because I was afraid of facing things all alone. That relationship didn’t last long, either.
This time, I am single, and no I have no distractions at hand.
This time I am ready to heal this fully.
What did I do to help me get over all of pain that I had been hanging onto? What does an angelic healer do when it hits so close to home?
First of all, I cried like a baby – sobbing, shaking, letting it all go. My brain said, ‘Why do you shed a tear for him?’ but my heart said, ‘This is all pent up emotions that are now ready to be released.’
Crying is healing
I was drowning in sorrow, and it was really an effort to pull myself away. My survival instincts kicked in – and maybe my pride too! Never mind, whatever works.
I got my favorite card deck, picked a card for myself, and listened intently to the messages. I breathed deeply and just let the message sink in.
Often, when we are agitated and in deep turmoil, we don’t want to hear the messages of truth and we shut the world out. So breathing deeply and calmly does one help to open up for loving thoughts.
Pick an Angel Card
Then I knew I had to listen to the guidance of my angels in order to really know my way forward, so I sat in meditation.
I pleaded with the angels, ‘Please help me! Please! Please! Please! Please calm my mind, as it is creating these frenzied ideas. Please help me!’
And I listened to them. I felt them close, and I knew I was not alone and that everything would be OK even though I had no idea when, how, or why. It just calmed me.
If you are new to meditation, or if you like guided meditation, I always love working with the Release Meditation with Archangel Michael from Diana Cooper. It is so loving, so healing, and so releasing. I listen to it every now and then because I know that there is always more healing possible. Release Meditation on Amazon.
Peroshini Naidoo also has a beautiful Manifesting a Soulmate Relationship course where the focus is also on healing past relationships. It contains lovely meditations and wonderful exercises.
Meditate, listen to your own guidance
Even though I felt alone because I don’t have a romantic partner, I realized that I do have wonderful angel friends.
I wrote to some directly, sharing my news, and confessing that I had no idea how to deal with it. I asked for help in Facebook Angel groups, and got some wonderful healing coming my way.
Yes it was time for me to receive. I felt so blissed and elevated.
During one of those healing sessions, I got a vision of myself in a white wedding dress walking up the aisle. I was smiling and so happy – surrounded by so many friends. So much dark space was able to fly away from inside of me just because the Angels showed me that I, too, will find a partner and share a wonderful relationship in the near future. I might not legally marry, but this vision showed me that I will be happy again with a man. There is a future for me indeed.
Receive a healing
I was also talking to friends via email, chats, and in person. One dear friend told me, ‘Caroline, it is very understandable that you are going through this all.’ The realisation that I am normal – and what I am feeling is very much OK – was liberating. I realized that I was unconsciously pushing away those feelings, telling myself, ‘Don’t be silly! You can’t feel like this…,’ urging myself on and away from it, and asking myself why I was still feeling so much pain.
The reason for the pain doesn’t matter at all. The pain needs acknowledgement. How often do I preach this? Now I really felt it. It was like a big hug from a dear friend.
It is wonderful to have wise, caring, empathic friends.
Talk to a friend, get a hug
Through all this, I learnt again that healing comes in different phases. It’s like a spiral – we go up and up, and every time we come to a certain area we are dealing with, we are ready to let go and move onto a different level.
This time I was healing on a couple of rounds up. I wasn’t deep down again, and all my former healing wasn’t erased, even though it felt like it was for a while. I was actually healing from a higher perspective, and I was healing deeper, as some very deep emotions and scars came up ready to be healed.
Healing happens in phases and levels
Taking a healing salt bath can help to wash away all sorrow and pain, and to allow healing to take place. After I went through all of the above steps, I was ready to wash all my sorrows away, and refocus on myself by doing something good for myself.
(If you like to know more about healing Salt Baths, you can read my blog on this topic <href=”http://carolinepalmy.com/salt-baths/” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>Salt Baths.)
Healing Salt Bath
Candles are always a good idea, all year round. I love how the simple action of lighting a candle can raise my spirits up. I also appreciate how loving the warm energy is and the connection to the angels that is increased by candles. I also set up a warm atmosphere by listening to some uplifting music. I love Mantra Music by Snatam Kaur or Angelic Music by Mark Watson; both are soothing, uplifting, healing, and energizing.
Candles and Music Set a Healing Atmosphere
My healing is still going on, but I feel much better already. I have refocused my thinking on MY life, instead of only thinking about my ex and his upcoming wedding.
I feel confident to move forward with my life – happy to be free and open for the new things that will come my way. This is my unique life, and I am not comparing to my ex’s life! I have my own life, which runs a different course, and I am thankful for it.
Focus on MY life
It’s important to live your life and feel happy and content with what you have, and really at home in your body and life.
Feeling at home in my life
If you ever feel like you are drowning, or if you are ever hit by that avalanche of feelings, I hope you have friends around who can help you through your hard times and give you a hug. I also hope that you have your own healing steps you can walk yourself through.
Always remember, you are never alone, that what you are feeling is real, and it is just a sign that you are ready to heal that area now.
- the angels are always here to help you
- allow your pain, and listen to what it wants to tell you
- accept help from friends
- allow healing to take place
- focus on your life and what is good about it
- ask for help
- and remember, you are NEVER alone
- crystals and flowers are wonderful healing friends
The Universe only sends you what you can actually deal with at any given moment in space and time.
I learnt to release my past relationships, and so can you. I share my knowledge and a very easy to use tool in this webinar. You can download it from my healing shop.
You can read more about how to cut energetic cords how to cut cords with the Angels.
How to release lower energies, you can find out 16 ways to release lower energies.
Warmest of hugs,
If you or a friend of yours is going through a separation or divorce, you might be interested in reading more about my own journey in the articles I wrote for Divorce Magazine.You can find on my page my publications.