Ready to learn from your Experiences and let go of the pain?
We can find ourselves trapped in repeating the same old patterns in relationships, or we can wake up, release old habits, and heal old relationships and ourselves.
Last week, I shared openly about how I contributed to the mishaps that occurred in my first two relationships: my very first one as a teenager, and later on, the one with my (now ex) husband. Now we want to look into how to heal past relationships, and what to learn from them.
It is important to remind ourselves that relationships take two to work. Of course, it is easier to just blame the other person for mishaps, even though we let so much happen – but why?
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
I, myself, gave my power away
I gave my power away; no one took it from me. I was eager to please, eager to keep a happy facade up, despite feeling that everything was crumbling down. I kept going blindly, not listening to my inner guidance. I so wanted peace that I was too timid to speak up for myself.
Soon after my marriage broke apart, I felt relieved. I felt free. I was happy to do things the way I wanted to. I didn’t have to be so strict around the kids anymore, and I could implement more love into my life.
Still, I was wounded by our break up, and I was eager to replace my ex with a new love relationship. Of course, I thought everything would be so much better with someone else. I was very vulnerable after 20 years in my former relationship, and I was not sure I was really lovable.
A new man
Five months after my separation, I met a man. Again, it was only exciting because he was interested in me. (You might see a pattern here: I needed to feel loved.)
It all seemed so wonderful. It all seemed so right. I was in 7th heaven.
This new man also interacted with my kids, and I thought they finally had a male role model. He was everything I wanted my ex to be and so much more, or so I thought.
Yes, finally I was in a passionate relationship – the one I had with my ex was more of an intellectual one… (Think of the porch, me sitting, reading in old age with him… That was my relationship with my ex).
I flew high, and I fell deep. My new relationship didn’t last 2 years. He moved in with me, as I was eager to replace my ex. I had never dealt with everything from my past relationship. I was still blaming my ex for being the way he was: not caring, not emotionally accessible. I did not see my part in our problems yet.
Your own issues won’t change with a new partner
I was happy and in love for a short while, till things really started to get bad. Again, I had early indicators – early signs that didn’t ring true, things didn’t feel right. I still pushed ahead. “Better this man than none,” was still my mantra. What would I be, all by myself? Not much, at least to my self-worth at that time.
This man seemed to blame me for everything, and yes, I took it on. I was intent to look within to see if there was a problem. As an introvert, I always check within and try to find the solution within, without realising that it always takes two to have a good relationship.
New living situation
When I moved into the house that was waiting for my kids and I, my new boyfriend only had negative things to say. Luckily, I went with my guidance and moved, despite his opinion. Good thing he had to find something for himself, too. It really showed our level of commitment.
He cancelled dates really short term. He did not show up. He was unreliable, and he took me for granted. It bothered me and I felt bad, but then I felt that I was at home with my kids anyway, so it wasn’t like I was going anywhere. What did it matter, if he didn’t come that day, but the next or the one after that? Yes, I was too eager to see him. So I took what I got: the breadcrumbs. He gave me just enough that I didn’t starve, but not enough for me to thrive. Funny how clingy I was.
I felt I was really low on his priority list. Then I realised I did not give myself any priority, either. Of course, as a mother with 3 young children, I was used to putting others first.
You can read more about my story in the book 25 Stories of Letting Go.
Depended on feeling loved
I realised how dependent I was on him to feel loved. After we broke up, I felt so unloved, so rejected even though I broke up with him because I could not deal with it any longer, deep down, to be honest, I had the hope he would come back, realising what he had lost in me.
I really felt so low in worth.
Wake up to a new life
That was my waking point. I started reading spiritual books. I started meditating. I started to really care for myself.
I was done with men for a time being. I knew that I needed to really connect with myself before I could move on. I knew I needed to really get to know myself better.
Starting to accept myself
I lay in bed saying over and over again, “I accept you,” which is an affirmation from Louise L. Hay. There can’t be love without acceptance first. I had to learn to accept myself just the way I was before I could even think about loving me.
It took me about 2 to 3 years on my own to really start enjoying it. Just being with my kids, being my own responsibility, and just doing what I liked was awesome – a beautiful wonderful journey, feeling it all within. It was also a wonderful time to really connect with my children.
New definition of Family
I remember when my daughter wrote me a poster where she said:
Mommy + Mathew + Catherine + Horatio = Family
(I used substitute names for my children!)
I cried tears of joy. It rang so true. I always thought a family needs a dad to be a family, but actually the four of us WERE a family. What else did we need? I would have never learnt that while being in a relationship.
Nowadays, I think a relationship can work with two loving partners who see each other every now and then. Everyone doesn’t have to be under the same roof all the time. The perfect relationship for me could be something separate – next to my family – while also doing things together with the family.
I learnt so much about self-love and really connected to my inner core.
Wow! We all have this immense well of love within, so why did I feel I needed someone to feel loved when I AM love in essence.
Old patterns resurfaced
I learnt so much. I took courses, and in one on those spiritual courses I met a man. AGAIN!!! I was NOT interested in him, but he sort of eyed me and then I thought, “Yeah, wow he is looking at me. Maybe he likes me.” You see, not everything was healed yet, and that is ok. It takes time and it does come in phases.
Long distance was what I could deal with
This new gentleman and I had a long distance relationship – or maybe not even. We met 2 or 3 times, but in between there was not much of a relationship or friendship going on.
I felt in awe that this spiritual man was with me. I saw that this one was a spiritual relationship and we had a soul connection, so I felt obliged to keep going, even though it was not truly a relationship.
Little schoolgirl looking up
That was one of my issues: I always looked up to the man in the relationship, not realising I was, am, and will always be his equal.
I learnt that I was not speaking up for myself, that I was still very intimidated just answering questions that went a bit deeper, or with expressing my feelings and raising issues that bothered me.
I was still the timid schoolgirl who was scolded by her teacher for giving a wrong answer, and I was still the pleaser, wanting people to like me.
This new relationship broke apart before it really started…. and then I knew that I needed to do something. Deep healing and releasing was not enough.
Learning to be Assertive
That was the time I got Doreen Virtue’s Book, Assertiveness for Earth Angels.
I started to read it eagerly, and, even at the Foreword of the book, I started to cry. When I read about the love we come from and being born and missing that ethereal love here on earth, I just knew this was me. It also felt good to know that I am not the only one. I am normal! I so craved this love.
I kept reading that book, but I still struggled with the idea of speaking up for myself.
So when the e-Course, Assertiveness for Earth Angels, came out, I signed up and learnt more about self-love and self-worth. I went through all the exercises and still do them nowadays.
I looked back over my relationships and realised that my former partners should have, indeed, been clients. I was so eager to help, and wanted to fix my partners, but those men did not want to be fixed. Of course, who wants to?
I saw that I chose them to nurse their hurt inner children. It was selfish of me, too, as I felt I was the one who could fix them – but we can never fix anyone, apart from ourselves, anyway.
I do not like the word “fix,” as we are all beautifully whole just the way we are. Of course, we can all release and heal old wounds when we are ready. I love to ask the Angels for help, as working with the angels is very gentle.
Heal past relationships
I really started to cut cords with all of my former partners.
I had to do the following exercise a couple of times with my ex-husband, and it was really helpful for my upcoming divorce. I wanted to stand in my own power and to have released all former cords.
I meditated on it all over and over, cutting cords and releasing their energy, and asking for my energetic pieces to return to me.
I know now that I always see everyone’s full potential. Most of us can hardly live that high expectation, and so I was disappointed that my princes turned out to be plain old frogs, so to speak. They did not live up their potential. They did not live up to my dreams for them. They were human, and just there to help me learn.
Not one relationship was in vain, as they all brought me numerous experiences, and they all brought me steps closer to being me.
From the start, I always looked back over the good things and was thankful for what I could learn.
It is important that you see all of your past relationships as experience. Of course, you go through stages of disbelief, anger etc., but eventually you can take the lessons and move on.
What kind of relationships have you experienced? Have you learnt some insights for yourself, too?
I was always very dependent on the man I was with, looking up to him, eager to please him, forgetting all about myself. I made excuses for certain behaviours and I didn’t stand up for myself in a loving way.
I was also very adaptable, do you know the movie ‘Runaway Bride’ with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? In that movie Julia has no idea, how she likes her eggs, she always likes them the way her partners do. Do you know how you like your eggs? What else might you be too adapting to?
Yes I did marry myself, you read that correctly. I got myself a beautiful ring. I promised myself to look after myself, to protect myself and that I will always be here for myself during a deep healing ceremony in nature.
This was a very powerful moment for me. Really connecting to myself and knowing I am whole just the way I am.
At the moment
I am single, happily single right now. I am now at a point where I am happy with the way my life is going. I do NOT NEED a man in my life, which is great. I take life as it comes.
If there is someone in my future, I know I have learnt what I really want from a partner. I have learnt to listen to my signs and I know I can easily live by myself. I also know, that it will be a full package relationship: Intellectual, Passionate AND Spiritual.
My new mantra is, “I’d rather be by myself than with the wrong man.”
I have come a long way, and I am proud of myself. I am happy where I am right now, and I learnt to say NO and I hope I can be assertive enough if I ever enter another relationship.
Be proud of yourself. Embrace all your experiences, as they made you who you are right now. You have come such a long way. Give yourself a pat on the back – you so deserve it.
Is it your time to deeply cleanse from your Ex, and release all energy still holding you back?
Sending you warm hugs,