grief has no expiration date

Allow the wave of pain to wash over you

Wednesday, April 6th marked the 22nd anniversary of my father’s passing.

April 6, 1994, was a very painful day for me. (You can read more on the stages of grief I went through in my blog post ‘Our Souls are eternal‘)

It has been 22 years

I thought I had dealt with all my grief and that 22 years would have been enough time to leave it all behind. The Universe had something different in mind, however. Whereas the anniversary day itself passed without issue, I remembered that on that day 22 years ago, my father passed. It was ok.

Thursday was another story, though. When I woke up in the morning, I felt sad. I browsed through my photo book and selected a picture I loved of my Dad and me (still a baby) and felt the urge to honour him, so I posted the photo on my Facebook page.

Seeing the love in my father’s eyes
Looking at that picture, seeing the love in my father’s eyes – how he looked at me and how he held me – the tears just flowed.

For the first time in a very, very long time, I just let go. I was too tired to hold it all together any longer. I was too drained in doing it all on my own.

I missed my Dad. I missed having a man by my side, and I missed a simple hug or being held like my Dad held me in his lap when I was just a tiny baby.

Letting it all go

It felt so good to let it all go, to let the tears stream down my face. It felt so relieving to just let it all go and wash away.

I tried to keep up my usual routine of posting on social media and putting my blog post online. Every now and then, though, I just let another wave of deep-rooted pain wash over me. I fell to my knees and cried my eyes out. It felt good. I never felt good crying, however, this time, it just felt so liberating, so healing.

Time to heal has come

I knew the time had come to heal old wounds. Deeply rooted pain had been coming up, and it was the time to look at it and let it all go.
It just happened. I did not force myself to cry, and I didn’t force myself to stop either. I could have easily pushed it all down again, telling myself that I am too old to cry, or that after 22 years there was no reason to be sad about my father’s passing.

Allowing the wave of grief wash over me

I could have been cruel and bossy with myself; however, I have grown into a passionate and gentle woman who allows herself time to heal.

I was there, letting the waves of pain wash over me. I allowed myself to feel lonely. I allowed myself to miss my Dad.

I also realised that I wasn’t only mourning my Dad, but also my ex-husband and other men in my life who had left me.

Signs

While crying and listening to Adele’s new album, I heard her sing

‘Hello From The Other Side’

and I buckled again, sobbing deeply.

I knew it was a sign, a sign that my father was saying hello from the other side, and letting me know he is around me.

While I cried I felt cared for,

while I sobbed I felt deeply loved,

while I sniffled I felt hugged and understood.

Caroline with her father

 

Most amazing moment

I cannot even express what happened when I let it out. It was the most amazing moment. I felt good. Even though I was crying, I felt like a huge boulder was lifted off my shoulders, like a dark cloud had been lifted.

It was amazing.

I allowed myself to feel the pain

I could finally allow myself to look into the abyss of my pain. For the first time, I acknowledged how hard it all had been, and I felt free because I no longer had to hold it all together.

Oh yes, I was glad that my kids were at school, as otherwise I could not have allowed myself to grieve properly.

I felt nurtured, and I knew that a new deep connection to the center of my soul had been established.

Nurturing Soul Sisters

I was happy to share my experience with my soul sisters in Karina’s Circle (KarinaLadet.com), and felt so nourished, understood, and supported.

They all knew I was on the right path, and none said anything implying that I was being silly. They knew that healing takes time, and they were just there for me, holding me in my pain and allowing me to move on in my own time.

Watching a movie

The evening held another big release. My youngest, Horatio, and I watched the movie, ‘Father Of The Bride,’ and I remembered how my father walked me down the aisle (on November 20th, 1993) only 5 months before his passing. I saw how he must have felt, giving his oldest daughter away, and I remembered how nervous he was.

I cried more and more during the movie. My son did not really understand, but he is used to me crying during movies and at weddings.

My father loves me

I learnt again that my father loved me, and still loves me from the other side. The pictures of the two of us – when I was a baby or young child – show the love bond we shared. Maybe that loving bond wasn’t so easy to see during my teenage years.

Who knows? Maybe he held on to the role of a strict father too much, or maybe he was not able to show his love clearly, or maybe I expected too much, or that his love had to come in a certain form, which kept me from seeing that it was there all along, bright and clear.

You can read more about life with my father in my blog post ‘Through The Eyes Of A Child‘.

How liberating is it, to really understand that my Dad loved me.

Comments on my picture

The love was obvious in the picture I posted, as so many people commented on how they can see the love in his eyes, and also how similar I looked to him, which made me proud. I know he was also an Introvert and had trouble dealing with large crowds of people.

I am loved

What a wonderful feeling! Do you know what? During all that grief and crying, I reconnected with my own love deep within.

I had a lovely and restful sleep and woke up very peaceful. I felt a peace and warmth around me, I felt nurtured, but still very vulnerable.

I loved being vulnerable, though. I loved how I felt deeply cleansed and fresh.

I knew some profound healing had taken place, and I was shining in my colours again.

Embracing Vulnerability

Being vulnerable was empowering. I really opened up some more to the woman I am deep within.

It felt like a crisp, fresh, new day/life was about to begin. I embraced it and embraced my vulnerability and just felt like putting a blanket around myself and basking in that new energy.

Like breathing in that gentleness.

Like staying in that very, very peaceful energy, and accepting everything.

I let the waves of grief wash over me and I came out stronger and deeply cleansed on the other side.

What a relief! What a feeling! I am in awe.

Grief and pain come in waves and layers

Yes, I was finally ready to grieve and release properly. You can’t really schedule that level of healing in. It comes when it comes – when you have done enough inner work. When it does come, just be there embrace it. Let it wash over you, and allow it to happen.

Grief has no expiration date. Do not let anybody else tell you otherwise.

Remember to allow your grief whenever it comes up, and allow the layers to peel off one after another.

Even though we know our loved ones who have passed are close by in spirit and soul, we still miss them.

Warmest of hugs to you all.

In a new gentleness,

Signature Caroline Palmy

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