Hi, this is Caroline from Palmy Healing
I am a heart flow healer and love to help you open the doors to you heart so you can get back into the flow of love.
I had no idea, who I was when my marriage broke apart at the end of 2008. I learnt to heal from this break up and reconnect with myself again.
I cleared and healed from that toxic relationship and learnt to rise up, look after myself and become more assertive.
First of all, warm hugs to you. Going through a divorce can be challenging at times, so allow yourself some self care, whenever possible, especially when you are also easing your kids through this live changes. You are not alone, and allow yourself to reach out for help.
I myself went through a break up 9 years ago followed by 5 years of separation and divorce. My three children were 12, 8 and 5 at the time.
I know every situation is unique, and I myself had to find our own way of making this all work, especially dealing with a narcissist ex-partner. I had to find my own way, and what felt right and safe for my children in it all, despite expert advice and books suggesting otherwise.
Allow yourself to find YOUR way, and make things work FOR your children, and allow enough room for flexibility and adjustment as you go along.
What I learnt going through this live experience with my three children is:
It is not your fault
No matter, how often you tell your child, that it is not their fault. They still feel guilty.
I felt back then, being a bit naïve, that after I told my kids, that it is not their fault once it would be enough, and they would believe it.
So my advice for you is, to keep telling your child(ren) every day, every occasion. ‘You are not to blame’, ‘you have done nothing wrong‘ ‘nothing you could have done, would have kept Daddy (Mom) here’, ‘It just is’ ‘it is NOT your fault’
Keep talking to your children, and more important keep listening to them, especially to what they are NOT saying.
I know when a marriage breaks apart, one can feel lost and still be a bit in a shock, however hug your children, even admit, if you have no idea, why it happened. Be open, and as forthcoming as with any other topic in your life, when you talk/listen to your children.
Allow them to cry, even though you could shoot your ex to the moon (no return ticket!) for breaking your kid’s heart too.
Deep down, each child has thoughts like, ‘oh if I’d only been better’ ‘if only I did not do this or that’. They dream of having a perfect family again. And yes they sometimes plot to get you back together too ;-)
So most important, assure your kids, that they are NOT to be blamed, that it is NOT their fault, that the marriage broke apart.
Healing on a new level
I was most surprised, when my youngest, started to cry over his father again, 3 years into the separation. I felt, oh no we went through this, we have settled it, why does he not get it.
It is only normal, that children deal with the trauma of a divorce anew as they grow. They deal with their pain on a new level. My little one has dealt with it as a 5 and 6 year old, however when he turned 8 he has reached a new maturity and had to go through the pain again, go through another healing at a new level.
It is wonderful, when children can express their hurt and pain, and loss for their father (mother) and talk to you about what is going on in their lives.
Rest assured they feel very comfortable with you and secure enough to share this healing on a new level with you.
So well done, and allow the phases of their ‘grief’ as it comes up.
This is a natural path of growing up in a divorced family.
And yes allow yourself enough self-care and help whenever you need it. You might go through similar healing phases yourself too.
Growing up with one parent (at a time)
For a while I had another relationship, but mostly my kids grew up with me alone. Their father was mostly absent (see next topic, toxic Ex-Partners). Having two boys I always felt they might miss out on a father figure, especially as I have two sisters (single Moms also) with two nieces and a Mom (my father passed away over 20 years ago). So my two boys grew up in a very feminine dominant family situation.
It is what it is, nothing I could change.
What helped me is to know, that children choose their families, they come here to experience exactly what is, to learn from this given situations.
I have some uncles, and so I made sure, we visited my uncles and male cousins every now and then.
My youngest is in soccer, and Dad’s of team members invited him to come and play soccer. So you see, we are all extended families.
Whatever is is perfect for your child.
Adjusting to a new routine will take time allow your child to settle, especially if they visit their father (Mother) every other weekend. Mine were tired, exhausted, grumpy out of sync for a week after they returned from their fathers. Then they were with me for a weekend, and recharged and happy and we had a good week, then they went to their father again, and it all began over again.
If you have a partner who listens, and is happy to co-share the upbringing of your children, sit down, set some boundaries (around bed time etc.), exchange experiences, share what happens when they come home, and how you could both work together to make it smoother.
If you have a Narcissist Ex-Partner, none of these will work. You might get the blame for it all, you will be called a lyer and he will act like nothing is wrong, and it is all entirely your fault.
This is your time to shine step up and do what is right for you and your kids.
It took me a while after the break up to realise, that I have indeed been in an unhealthy relationship that I have been through some emotional abuse. It takes a while to wake up from it. I learnt that I am an empath, and that this is a wonderful gift, and that there is nothing wrong with me. My Ex is a narcissist, and has no empathy, nor emotional reach to his children.
So when my kids came home from their father, totally exhausted, and I heard stories of what was going on. I realised they were not held in their emotional need by their father. They got the blame now, they were left to look after themselves even at their tender ages, while he was busy with his new girlfriend. Trying to talk to him to have bed times, and an emotional safe surrounding for our children (they are his after all) did not bear fruits. I saw Child Psychologists that helped me along and supported me. And then came the moment my kids did not want to go to their Dad any longer, not because I held them back, but because they just did not feel good at his place. First I tried with positivity and telling them it’s gonna be ok, then one after the other just simply refused, and you know what, I embraced that. I did not force them to go, as I understood, they did not really spent time with their father, they were barely tolerated in his new life. So I adjusted, I found our way to deal with it all. For me it was more important to support my children emotionally and making them feel loved and safe, than them seeing their father. They were safe with me, and I was ok having them 24/7/365. That’s what they needed.
It took them a couple of years, and now they see him every now and then for dinner, outside his new family situation. Which works splendid for all involved.
So if something does not feel right for your children, don’t force them. Yes it is a bit like sending them off to school, trust your instincts, how often did we have to leave a child behind crying at Kindergarten, but deep down we knew it was going to be all right. So go with it. However if you fear for the safety or the emotional well being of your child, get help, see some child specialists, and find a way that works best for your children.
We are all unique human beings, we all have our unique history, and we are unique family situations, so it is ok to find YOUR way in it all.
And again be flexible and adapt to new circumstances as they come along.
Clearing Your Past Relationship is essential. Clearing the energy towards your Ex helps you heal and grow into your own truth. You can learn more about it in this Webinar (including a deeply healing meditation)
I am happy to support you on your healing journey